I Am What I Am Read online

  I Am What I Am

  Praise for John’s first book, Anything Goes

  ‘Anything Goes is a refreshingly honest, funny and engaging read that hooks readers from the opening chapter.’

  Woman’s Way

  ‘John Barrowman, the immensely likeable actor behind Captain Jack, has written his autobiography … Charmingly lurid, the book has the right saucy, sassy, somewhat overexcited quality for an afternoon on the sofa with a box of violet creams.’

  Daily Telegraph

  ‘Multi-talented John Barrowman, the star of the Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood, tells of behind-the-scenes celeb high jinks, hilarious memories and the sometimes moving story of his two decades of work in the film, TV, music and theatre industry in this open and entertaining autobiography.’

  The Herald

  ‘Charting his rise to superstardom from humble beginnings in Scotland to life in LA, Torchwood star John Barrowman reveals how he has become one of the best-loved stars of the stage and screen. Four stars.’

  OK!

  ‘Gossipy, fun and endlessly entertaining, buy this out of curiosity, buy it for the insight into the worlds of stage and television, but most of all, buy it for his absolutely hilarious stories of a Glasgow childhood with a granny you’ll just adore.’

  Daily Record

  ‘John Barrowman is on a bit of a roll at the moment. Everything he touches seems to turn to gold and his heartfelt autobiography is no exception … This is a charming read that really gives us insight into John Barrowman.’

  Beige

  I Am What I Am

  JOHN BARROWMAN

  with Carole E. Barrowman

  Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  First published in Great Britain in 2009 by Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  9 Lion Yard

  Tremadoc Road

  London SW4 7NQ

  This electronic edition published 2010

  ISBN 978-1-84317-512-4 in EPub format

  ISBN 978-1-84317-513-1 in Mobipocket format

  Copyright © John Barrowman 2009, 2010

  The right of John Barrowman to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All pictures courtesy of John Barrowman, and reproduced with his kind permission, apart from: Plate 27, Plate 31 & 32, Plate 34 © BBC.

  With additional thanks to Ben Sayer (Plate 50, all but bottom); Rhys Livesy (Plate 50, bottom); Dan Hallman at Pearson Lyle Management (Plate 74, left); and Simon Turtle (Plate 74, right).

  Every reasonable effort has been made to acknowledge all copyright holders. Any errors or omissions that may have occurred are inadvertent, and anyone with any copyright queries is invited to write to the publishers, so that a full acknowledgement may be included in subsequent editions of this work.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Designed and typeset by E-Type

  Plate section and cover designed by Ana Bjezancevic

  Cover photography: Dan Hallman at Pearson Lyle Management

  www.mombooks.com

  Contents

  Author’s Acknowledgements

  1 ‘Promenade’

  2 ‘We Are What We Are’

  Table Talk #1: ‘You People Can’t Go in There’

  3 ‘Where Do We Go From Here?’

  4 ‘I Can Do That’

  Table Talk #2: ‘We Have a Hostage Situation – Send in the Clowns’

  5 ‘I Know Him So Well’

  Table Talk #3: ‘Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang!’

  6 ‘I’d Do Anything’

  Table Talk #4: ‘There’s an Iguana in the Toilet and He’s Grinning at Me’

  7 ‘Make the Dirt Stick’

  Table Talk #5: ‘Blame It on the Flip-Flops … and the Harveys’

  8 ‘Mr Saturday Night’

  9 ‘Joints and Jam’

  Table Talk #6: ‘Was That Captain Jack Racing a Rickshaw?’

  10 ‘O Canada’

  Table Talk #7: ‘Oh No, You Didn’t!’

  11 ‘On the Road Again’

  Table Talk #8: ‘Two Men and Their Dogs’

  12 ‘A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square’

  Table Talk #9: ‘Zaza, Elphaba, Tottie and Me’

  13 ‘Destination Anywhere’

  14 ‘I Am What I Am’

  Table Talk #10: ‘Goodnight and Thank You’

  Index

  List of Plates

  Author’s Acknowledgements

  I’ve approached this book from a slightly different angle than the first one, Anything Goes. Rather than covering the panorama of my life, I’ve zoomed in on a few key events and experiences of the past few years, and sprinkled among them family stories that give you a chance to get a little closer to me. The brief vignettes scattered among the chapters are called ‘Table Talks’ – because when I was growing up, these more intimate, funny, quirky stories were the ones that made up the conversation at the Barrowman dinner table, as in, ‘That’s a story for table talk.’ When you turn the page and enter my house in Sully, you’ll see what I mean.

  Wait! Not yet. This part’s important too. I’ll be quick.

  Once again, Carole and I collaborated on this book and, once again, we have people to thank. We owe a great debt – to be repaid (we promise) in books, golf, shoes, purses and a slap-up meal or two – to Scott, Kevin, Clare (‘Oh, my, there’s a jewellery store’), Turner, and especially to our parents, John and Marion Barrowman (the Harveys and the Glenmorangies are on us, Mum and Dad). Our lives would be very boring and this book would be very short without each one of you. Both of us are grateful for your love, your support, and your sense of humour (even when it’s mocking us).

  To Gavin Barker (aka Patricia), my manager and our friend – you’re the tops, and indispensable when it comes to remembering details and returning emails.

  Hugs and kisses to the rest of Team Barrowman: Rhys Livesy, my personal assistant, and Michelle, Steven and Katie at Gavin Barker Associates.

  We would like to sing the praises of everyone at Michael O’Mara Books, especially Alison Parker, Sarah Sandland, and our patient and stalwart editor, Kate Gribble – we owe you a karaoke night … or two, Kate.

  Also thanks to Andrew, Dot, Andrew, Yvonne and Bridgett, and the Barrowmans in Scotland, for letting us share with the world how bloody barmy we all are.

  Finally, and most importantly, this book is dedicated to all my fans.

  With love, John 2009

  CHAPTER ONE

  ‘PROMENADE’

  ★

  ‘Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.’

  Groucho Marx

  Six of my favourite things in my house in Wales

  1 A caricature depicting the Torchwood cast embracing Captain Jack and Captain John in an exuberant tangle of arms and legs (say no more).

  2 The original sheet music for Cole Porter’s ‘I Get a Kick Out of You’ (a gift from my Reno Sweeney, Sally Ann Triplett).

  3 Model planes, ships and cars, and a telescope to view the stars (these are a few of Scott’s favourite things, too).

  4 Two goldfish that my niece, Clare, and I rescued from a friend’s house and named after two of our ‘pet’ names for each other (Shaka and Nina).

&nb
sp; 5 My gran, Murn’s, two ‘Wally Dugs’.

  6 A bust of Caesar and a statue of Buddha in the bathroom, plus an oversized, welded-steel statue of a male diver in a backward pike that dominates the interior courtyard.

  Welcome, readers – to my home in Sully, Wales, and to my life in the spotlight. Watch out for my dogs tangling themselves at your feet: Harris, a boisterous black cocker spaniel; Charlie, a gorgeous red-haired Dogs Trust rescue spaniel; and the family’s thug, Captain Jack, a rescued Jack Russell terrier from Cardiff Dogs Home. Try to avoid their frenzied doggy madness as you step into my front foyer, and consider yourselves very lucky – because, since there’s so many of you, I haven’t gently urged you into the foyer, switched off the lights, closed the outer door … and left you alone to discover that a full-size black Dalek looms in the corner.1

  The Dalek is one of a kind, made especially for me by the Doctor Who tech guys; I requested that the Torchwood logo be tattooed beneath his menacing eye stalk. My Torchwood Dalek is one of two treasured pieces of memorabilia displayed in pride of place at the front of my home because of their importance to my success in the entertainment business.

  The second piece is far less scary, but equally significant. Hanging on my interior front door – where a welcome wreath might normally be – is the SS American life preserver from Trevor Nunn’s revival of Anything Goes, in which I played Billy Crocker. Anything Goes, as you may know, was the Cole Porter musical in which I made my West End debut with Elaine Paige in 1989.

  Anyone can make a grand entrance promenading along this hallway towards the main part of the house; even the dogs love to skid up and down on the blond oak-wood floor. To your left is a guest bathroom that I call my ‘superhero room’. It’s decorated with comic-book art: a poster-sized ‘Spidey Saves the Day’ comic cover, and on the wall opposite this is a poster from one of the first Superman movies. The film’s tag line is ‘Irresistible Force’ – which is an appropriate mantra for a toilet, don’t you think?

  Most of the art and the photographs in this hallway – and elsewhere in the house – punctuate special moments in my life or Scott’s. For example, next to the bathroom door, you’ll notice the framed drawings and costume swatches for one of my Dancing on Ice costumes. The best art, though, is through the far windows in front of you.

  The view of the sea and the distant English coast is stunning, isn’t it? After a hectic week of meetings or rehearsals or recordings or whatever, I come down this hallway, see that expanse of water – the Bristol Channel, and beyond to the Celtic Sea – and the surrounding craggy cliffs, and my entire body kicks into relax mode.2 One of the first things Scott and I do when we arrive home together is drop our bags at the bedroom door and step outside, where, for a few minutes, we simply stand and stare at the majesty of it all.

  While sitting on my deck overlooking this spectacular view, I began exploring ideas for this second book. I re-read many of your comments about my first book, Anything Goes. I’ve received letters and emails from all over the world since AG’s publication, and after seriously mulling them over, a few things really struck me.

  One of them was this. No matter what your family experiences, you found connections with the Barrowman clan. Sisters wrote to me about their brothers; brothers wrote to me that they, too, had a bossy big sis.3 Mums shared the book with daughters, and then they passed it along to their sons. Gay sons gave the book to their parents, hoping for some understanding; and parents gave the book to their gay sons, saying they understood. A few of you told me you used the book as a way to mend bridges within your families, and a lot of you revealed that the book reminded you of your own family’s silly antics. You sent me tales about your dogs, your children, your schools and your grans.4 And all of them brought me great joy. Some of you shared stories of alienation and exile from your families, and I’m deeply touched that you found some comfort in the anecdotes from mine. It was a no-brainer, then, that this new book would include a few more Barrowman yarns.

  Watch your step as you come down into my main living area, which runs the length of the house; its expansive windows frame the pool and the sea beyond.5 This space is divided into three distinct living areas: two ranged with their own comfy reading chairs and oversized leather couches, while the third space, at the far end of the room, accommodates a massive wooden table that came from Thailand. The table is scarred with the knots, crevices and imprints of the two trees that produced it, as well as the countless cocktail parties, family dinners, lunches and buffets it’s played host to, and the book piles, laundry piles and other everyday stuff and more stuff that ends up on all dining-room tables.

  Dominating these main living areas – along with my 52-inch Sony flat-screen TV, which I have to admit is on most of the day – is big, bold, bursting-with-colour art by Steve Walker and bright pop images by Burton Morris. My dear friend in LA, Brett Vinovitch, introduced me to these artists.6 Brett used to work for Andy Warhol and he knows his hues from his values better than most.

  Currently above the fireplace is an oil painting by Paul Kenton, which captures in its broad strokes and blurs of colour the kinetic energy of New York’s Times Square. On its left is a painting of a Tutsi woman warrior that Scott bought for me for my birthday while in South Africa, and on the right is an original artwork depicting some very fit baseball players by the Abercrombie & Fitch artist Mark Beard. Below the mantel sit my gran, Murn’s, two Wally Dogs – or ‘Wally Dugs’, as they’re known in Glasgow. (‘Wally’ is slang for ‘made with china’. Use in a sentence? You could drink from ‘wally cups’ if you lived in a ‘wally close’.7)

  Another thing that struck me from your feedback was that lots of you wanted to know my perspective on aspects of love and life from under a celebrity spotlight. You don’t necessarily want to know what I think about big global issues,8 but you do want to know my opinions on what matters to me. That’s why inside this book, among other things, you’ll find my insights about being Captain Jack, about being a talent-show judge, about being a family man, a gay man, a brother, a son, and a lover.

  And that’s why I’ve invited you into my home: to give you an opportunity to spend time with me in a more intimate setting, listening to some Barrowman table talk and learning more about my personal escapades and professional experiences from the past couple of years. So, please, join me at my table. I’ve made dinner9 and I have lots of terrific table talk to dish.

  CHAPTER TWO

  ‘WE ARE WHAT WE ARE’

  ★

  ‘From scenes like these, old Scotia’s grandeur springs, That makes her lov’d at home, rever’d abroad: Princes and lords are but the breath of kings, “An honest man’s the noblest work of God.”’

  Robert Burns, ‘The Cotter’s Saturday Night’

  ‘Skinny Malinky long legs, big banana feet, Went tae the pictures, an’ couldnae get a seat. When the picture started, Skinny Malinky farted, Skinny Malinky long legs, big banana feet.’

  ‘Wee Jimmy’

  Twelve things I’ve learned from my parents

  1 Don’t go to bed angry (but if you do, wake up first and make the coffee).

  2 Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself (that’s your mother’s job).1

  3 Take responsibility for your actions (especially if you’ve been caught red-handed).

  4 To love another person is to see the face of God (or the Face of Boe, depending on your beliefs).2

  5 You always have room for dessert (there’s a special section in your stomach).

  6 You always have time to read (there’s a special section of your brain that melts if you don’t).

  7 Laugh every day (especially at yourself).

  8 Speak up for yourself (especially if you have something to say).

  9 Speak up for others (especially if they can’t).

  10 It doesn’t take much to be kind (if it does, time for you to be off to that remote island).

  11 Where e’er ye be let yer wind gang free (just ask David Tennant
, who was once trapped in the TARDIS with me when I followed this advice).

  12 Always have a party piece (‘Skinny Malinky’ doesn’t count).

  When we were growing up, my dad was perpetually late. Never for work or anything business-related, but if it involved a family outing, we’d all be sitting waiting in the car, crisp and clean and ready to go, and my dad would be nowhere to be found. My brother, Andrew, would already be unbuttoning his collar and untucking his shirt from his trousers; Carole would be ten pages into the emergency book she’d hidden under the seat; and like a pinball I’d be bouncing from the front to the back to the side of the car and again from the front to the back to the side – ping!

  ‘Has anyone seen your dad?’ my mum would inevitably ask.

  ‘He’s cleaning the garage,’ one of us would inevitably say.

  The genesis of the phrase is from early in our childhoods in Scotland. It was a Sunday morning, and my mum was expected to be singing with the choir at the Church of Christ in East Kilbride within the hour. Carole, Andrew and I were decked out in our ‘itchy clothes’ and had all clambered into the car, when my dad spotted something out of place in the garage, something he had to change, clean or repair at that precise moment.

  We did not make it to the church on time.

  Throughout my childhood, and even today, this was our response whenever we were waiting for my dad.

  ‘Where’s your father?’

  ‘Cleaning the garage.’

  My dad even has a recurring dream about his chronic lateness, which stems from a real-life incident that occurred in America. As you may know, in the mid seventies, my family, including my gran, Murn, emigrated to the US. One summer, we were all travelling back to Scotland for a visit. (For our first few years living in the States, we went back to Scotland fairly regularly, especially so my dad could see his brothers and his parents.) This particular trip home, the entire family was waiting in a hired limo, which was ready to take us to O’Hare Airport in Chicago for an evening flight to Prestwick. We were already cutting it a bit too fine in terms of getting there on time.